


Can We Begin Again?

by HomuraBakura



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX
Genre: M/M, character introspection, lots of inner monologues, minor elements of bondshipping and soulshipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-19 10:16:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2384702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HomuraBakura/pseuds/HomuraBakura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Johan has a lot of time to think about things while he waits for Judai to return from the other dimension. When he does return, though, how will he have changed? And will Johan's feelings find closure? For the YGO MiniExchange.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can We Begin Again?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Eldritch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eldritch/gifts).



He had an awful lot of time to think about things while he waited for Judai to come back.

It was a cool night. The stars gleamed far above, the moon clear and full. A light breeze flitted across the campus, causing a dark ripple across the grass like it was water. He almost felt like he was on a boat again, leaning as he was against the balcony of the Osiris Red dorm. It was like the railing of a ship. He didn't particularly like the feeling. Boats had always made him sick; that was why he had spent the whole journey here below deck trying not to throw up.

He sighed. It was cold. He didn't want to go back inside, though.

_Judai._

He remembered the darkness. The strange, floating, nowhere feeling of being locked in his own subconscious by Yubel. The feeling haunted him in his dreams. He was afraid to sleep. Would he fall back into that darkness? Yubel wouldn't touch him now – couldn't, as they were no longer near. Still, he knew he wouldn't feel completely certain until Judai came back, and told him what had happened in that last showdown.

Had Judai won? Or not? Was that why it was taking him so long to get back?

His thoughts turned towards the past. That first day that he had met Judai – that thrill that had passed through him when he realized the other boy could see Ruby. It had been exhilarating. There was someone else in the world with his power, he wasn't alone. He recalled the leisurely beginnings of the school year when they had spent hours comparing cards and strategies. Just hanging out, going to classes. Poking Judai in the back of the head when he inevitably fell asleep. His big goofy grin when he begged Johan for help on the homework because he had slept through it and Shou was trying to take the moral high ground by not giving him the answers.

The shock of being transported to that other dimension. Getting Rainbow Dragon. Running, running, running to reach Judai, hoping that it wasn't too late, hoping against all hope that he would be able to get there in time to help his friend win against the darkness that had brought them there.

And then that look of shock and brokenness in Judai's eyes when Yubel revealed their true form.

Johan sighed. He dropped his head. He didn't want to think about that look. It hurt him to see Judai like that – he had always felt that there was something hidden behind Judai's constant cheer, but he had never expected it to run so deep. He had never expected Judai's soul to be so broken underneath. What did Yubel have to do with Judai's pain? Yubel was an enemy, but...

Judai's eyes were burned into his brain, that fear that whitened his features as he whipped around, realizing that the Rainbow Dragon's light was encasing them and that Johan wasn't sinking into it with them.

He lowered his head onto his arms against the balcony.

“Dammit...”

In a way, it was almost his fault that Judai had had to go through what he did. Shou and the others had told him about Supreme King Judai, about the darkness that Judai had endured, the monster he had become, and the self-doubt he had had to overcome. If he had held on to the light a little harder...fought against Yubel's presence grabbing hold of him a little more....

But he really couldn't find it in himself to blame Yubel, either. Even though their hot, acidic presence burning with anger and hatred startled him out of sleep, he couldn't forget that brokenness in them, too. The heartbreak that had burned into him, the longing and loneliness.

In a way, perhaps Yubel and Judai were cut from the same material. Perhaps they had the same broken souls. Judai had tried to hide it. Yubel hadn't been able to.

Where did that leave Johan?

He felt his heart tremble slightly. He swore again under his breath.

_I'm sorry, Judai,_ he whispered. _Please. Please come back._

He lifted his head and stared blankly into the darkness. He was tired. So tired. He wanted to sleep. He didn't dare to, though. A star fell out of the corner of his eye. He couldn't bring himself to make a wish. What exactly would he wish for? To go back to those days before? Those days when he and Judai could just laugh? There was no way they could go back to that. Whatever happened, whenever Judai came back, he was going to be someone different. Would Johan belong anymore? Who would Judai be after all of this?

Shou burst out of the trees, startling Johan out of his thoughts. For a moment, the smaller boy didn't seem to be able to talk, hurtling across the field and towards the kitchen where most of the others were gathered, his eyes wide and cheeks flushed. His gray eyes caught sight of Johan as he ran. Without stopping, he shouted up at him.

“Judai – Judai's back!”

For a split second, Johan completely tensed, like his entire bloodstream had frozen.

Then he vaulted over the balcony, no patience for the stairs, his ankles protested at the impact but he ignored them, hurtling off in the direction Shou had come from.

He crashed through the undergrowth, branches smacking him in the face, not even entirely certain how he was going to find Judai in the dark. He was running blind and he didn't care. For the first time in days, he wasn't thinking at all, and it was the best feeling he'd had in a while.

A moving shape in front of him caused him to skid to a stop. He wheeled his arms frantically, about to fall over. A hand shot out and grabbed him by the arm, steadying him.

“...Johan?”

There was no mistaking that voice, that build, that shape. Even in the dark, overgrown forest, Johan recognized him.

He seemed a little taller somehow, his hair shaggier. Those brown eyes...they seemed darker somehow, and it wasn't just from the shadows of the trees. His whole face seemed to have aged ten years in a day. There was so much fatigue there.

“Judai,” Johan said, and it was the only word he could manage for the moment.

They stood completely still, completely silent, for what seemed like an eternity. There was a hesitance to Judai that Johan did not recognize. He seemed almost afraid to speak first.

“You're back,” Johan said finally.

“Y...yeah...”

Another pause.

“You made it back okay?” Judai said.

“Yeah. I'm fine.”

“Are you...okay? You know? You were gone for a long time...”

Johan shook his head.

“It felt like I was just sleeping for most of it. I'm fine.”

There was no reason to worry Judai about his problems sleeping. Not right now. Judai would probably come out with the worse nightmares. He didn't need to feel guilty about Johan's.

It was so dark, so quiet. Johan was certain that Judai would be able to hear the sound of his heart beat, still racing from the run through the woods. Johan could barely think. Judai was back. He wasn't quite himself but...but he was back.

He was back.

“Oh,” Judai said suddenly. He rummaged in his pocket for a second and pulled a thin stack of cards out. “Here, you probably want these back...”

His Gem cards – the ones he had lent to Judai.

“They helped you out, then?”

“Yeah,” Judai said, and a small smile even appeared on his face. “Thanks.”

Johan accepted the cards, sighing with relief. He had missed his friends. But as his fingers brushed Judai's, he felt the barest hint of an electric shock. He gasped. For a split second, he felt like his vision was going to go black.

“Johan?”

The worry in Juda's voice caused Johan to snap out of it. He shook his head to clear it. But he looked up at Judai in a new light.

“Judai...you...”

“What?”

“Yubel,” Johan said, staring at him. “I felt Yubel. Are they...is Yubel here?”

Judai blinked with surprise.

“How did you...? No, never mind. Yeah. Yubel's here...in my head.”

“How?”

“...Super Polymerization. I used it at the last second...it was the only way to save Yubel...I – I'm sorry, that doesn't make sense from your context, see, Yubel...they –”

That aching, raging pain and heartbreak that tightened around him. That horrible loneliness that had burned into his soul.

“You don't have to explain,” Johan said. “Not right now, at least. I...I think I understand.”

But...Super Polymerization. He had fused himself with Yubel?

Perhaps their souls are really made from the same stuff.

Where was that going to leave him?

“Johan...” Judai said.

He dropped his eyes. One hand went up to rub the back of his neck.

“I'm...I'm sorry,” he said.

“What are you apologizing for?” Johan said. “You saved me. I wouldn't be here if not for you.”

“The things I did...dammit, Johan, I shouldn't have had to go that far. I shouldn't have let you get caught in the first place. I did so many things. Terrible, terrible things – I don't know how much you know about it, but – but no one should ever be able to look at me the same anymore. Hell, I can't look at myself the same anymore. I don't even know who the hell I am now. I can't – I can't even be called human after what I did –”

“Judai.”

He stopped. His voice had started to crack at the end, and Johan could see his friend's shoulders starting to shake slightly. Johan wanted to step forward, to reach out to him, hold him – but was he allowed to do that now?

“Judai, just...stop,” Johan said. His throat closed up for a moment, but he shook his head. “Just stop. I know. I know what you did. And I can't say I know who you are, either. But – dammit, Judai...I...I just – I'm just so glad you're back.”

“Johan, I –”

“No, please, just let me finish,” Johan said. “I – all that time, I was sitting in the darkness, and I knew that I wouldn't be alone. I wasn't afraid because I knew that you would come for me. And you did. I don't care what your reasons were, I don't care what you did in the middle of it, because you know what? You gave me hope. You gave me strength. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel about yourself right now but please, just listen to what I feel about you.”

Johan waited until Judai looked up at him, so that he could look him in the eyes.

“Judai, you give me strength,” Johan said. “And if you can't believe in yourself...then remember that I do. I believe in you. Maybe you gave into the darkness. Maybe you did horrible things. Nothing will change that. But you fought against it. You fought and now you're here. And I...I've been waiting, and it feels like its been forever and...”

He couldn't do this. He couldn't find the words anymore. He closed his eyes, gripping his hands into fists.

“Thank you,” he finally whispered. “Thank you for coming for me.”

It was all he could say. How could he say more? He had felt Yubel's pain and loneliness, he had caught glimpses of Judai's. He understood, somehow, why Judai had done what he did. He was okay with it. In the end, Johan couldn't really understand either of them. All he could do was offer his weak, measly support that probably wouldn't mean anything, but...but he hoped it was enough. He couldn't say the things he really wanted to say. Yubel's presence wasn't acidic anymore. Maybe they could help each other, somehow. Only they could really understand each other. He didn't....he didn't really belong anymore. It was okay.

Johan was okay with this. He was okay with this. He could stand at the side. He could say goodbye, if he had to.

Oh shit. He couldn't. He wasn't okay with this.

He opened his eyes. Small, slow tears had started to pool in the corners of Judai's eyes. He didn't look like he could handle this either.

“I don't deserve thanks,” Judai whispered. “I'm sorry, Johan, but I...I can't. I can't see past that dark part of myself, and I...this isn't...I'm sorry.”

Johan sucked in a breath.

“Judai....is Yubel listening?”

Judai did a double take.

“Y-yeah,” he said. “Yubel...they hear everything I do. It's kind of how it is now...”

He gestured helplessly. Johan's chest tightened slightly.

He remembered the darkness. The pain.

He took a breath.

“Then...” he started. He swallowed. “Hello, Yubel. It's....nice to meet you, for real this time.”

He felt their presence, felt it startle slightly, draw back a little.

“I don't really know...anything, about you two,” Johan said. “But I...I want to ask you a favor, Yubel. Take care of Judai, please? I can't understand what he's going through. Maybe you can, sharing his mind...his pain. I don't know. But please...take care of him.”

The shadows shifted slightly. A ghostly image appeared beside Judai, the vague, bat-like shape of Yubel. Johan could feel the bichromatic eyes considering him. Silent. But in a gentle way. Yubel had changed, just as much as Judai had.

Johan felt rather than heard the soft whisper, like the rustle of wind through leaves. Judai looked startled.

“Yubel...Yubel says sorry,” he said slowly. “Sorry that they dragged you into this.”

Johan shook his head.

“You don't have to apologize,” he said. “Either of you.”

Judai's eyes were still shiny with tears he refused to shed. Johan tried to smile. And then he didn't have to try. He did smile, as large as he could.

“I'm just glad you're back,” he said. “I don't care what you've done. It's over. And if you can't see past it, either of you, then...”

He extended his hand.

“Hello,” he said. “I'm Johan Andersen. Can we start over?”

Judai blinked really fast. Then he snorted and rubbed his eyes.

“Goddamn you,” he said, leaving his arm over his eyes for a moment. “Thank you.”

He dropped the arm from his eyes and took Johan's hand in his. His smile was hesitant, but it was real.

“Yeah,” he said. “I'm okay with that.”

This time when the soft whisper came through, Johan could hear Yubel's voice.

_“I as well. Let's try again...if you'll accept me for what I've done to you.”_

Johan gripped Judai's hand, hyper aware of the warmth, the bulk, the realness, the fact that he really, truly was here.

“Thank you,” he whispered.


End file.
